Was It Worth All This
by heavenly-demonic1
Summary: the second war has ended and Hermione is reminising about her first encounter with her true love. But why does she feel guilty? HGDM pairing ONESHOT DISCLAIMER i dont own the characters to any fan fic i write other than the ones i create myself im just a


set 2007 flashback spring of 1996 OoTP

There were a lot of reasons why my past always come back so strong into my future. One of the main problems with my life was that I couldn't, no wouldn't let go of my love for him even though I knew now more them ever that it couldn't work out. Years had past since the first time I met him and still the memory was etched into my mind, constantly making me relive every word over and over again until I couldn't take it anymore.

_What's wrong with me?_

_  
_I would ask myself whenever I found my subconscious drifting to his beautiful face in my mind or watching him for a split second longer than was really necessary for a person to do. The danger that he might see me and realize what I was doing, made it even more of a challenge, though I knew the look in his gray eyes would be pure hatred. Of course that's all I expected from _him. _I wasn't naive enough to believe that _he_ could ever love me, the pathetic mudblood, friends with the poor and stupid alike, allies with his enemies, kind hearted and untainted everything he detested and worked hard against.  
He, though, was in his element within himself. Perfect for he was a pure blood in a house that had nothing but notoriety, full of arrogance with a gait that made sure everyone knew who he is and to respect his authority, and most importantly an ancestry that would always grant him respect in our world.

That fact alone is laughable, for my ancestry would always make life for me within certain circles, hard to bare.  
But yet…  
I remember, even now the moment my life changed forever and the monumental choice that made my life no longer _almost_ care free…

**Flashback  
**It was hot, unnaturally so for April, not that Hermione was enjoying it much because she was locked inside Prof. Umbridge's classroom on detention. The most annoying point however wasn't even the detention which pissed her off highly in the first place, but no the reason why she was itching to get out of that room was because I was looked in it, alone, with the last person I would want to be alone and partially defenseless with. Draco Malfoy. He had volunteered (a little too enthusiastically) to watch over her and give her things to do by that toad who had smiled at the thought of Hermione been without her friends with someone she hated. Well appeared to hate.

"So Granger, how annoying this must be for you"

"Excuse me?"

"Well I'd have guessed that without Potty and the Weasel around to fight your battles for you, you'd be feeling rather inadequate around your superiors."

She rolled her eyes, annoyed by his comment.

I don't need _anyone _to fight my battles for me I'm more than capable of doing that myself. And don't make me laugh, you're no more superior than my cat"

He did laugh then, a rather cold laugh that made the hairs on the back of her neck stand on end. She could see the laughter reflected in his eyes, a feat she had never seen from him before.

"Granger, Granger, Granger, you are sat here; about to have the mother of all punishments and you know you deserve it right? For you should seriously learn how to hold your tongue, I'm sure you have been told this all before but I'm going to tell you again because you need to learn. In my world, and believe me this is _my _world, you will always be second best compared to me and the likes of me. You know what you are."

"A mudblood right?" she retorted back, with attitude.

He walked over to her desk then and involuntarily, she moved her chair back.

His smile faltered slightly at her action.

"Are you scared of me?" he said quietly.

"Should I be?"

"You have no idea how much I could hurt you"

She knew only too well but why didn't it matter anymore?

Slowly Draco moved around her desk so that he now was stood at the side of her chair. He looked her in the eyes intently, as If he was trying to read her thoughts. The knowledge unsettled her, and she stood up quickly.

"Maybe I should come back when Prof. Umbridge is ready…"

"Don't go"

And then it was happening. He pulled her towards him roughly, and kissed her on the lips, soft at first but then the kiss grew more energy as she responded to his power and kissed him back with the same ferocity. His hand moved through her hair and came to settle at the small of her back, while she wrapped her arms around his neck.  
Subsequently, as quickly as it had started, he was pushing her away from him, and she immediately felt empty, knowing now that this truly was what she had always wanted from him.  
He moved back, still staring at her before responding with such anger in his voice, she was surprised.

"Don't tell _anyone_ about this, especially him"

And without further explanation he turned and left shaking his head.  
Hermione was unsure by what his last comment meant but at that moment she didn't even care. All she knew was she had never felt anything more passionate and heart felt in all her life. She was certain he had felt it too, he must have…

**End of Flashback.  
**I sighed quietly. It has been over eleven years since I last set foot in Hogwarts and the way things are going now, I may never see it again. The second war ended badly for our side, Voldemort won and Harry died, along with many more in the process.  
Wiping a loose tear from my eye, I looked over to my nightstand at the photo that was sitting on top of it. It was taken hours before Bill and Fleur's wedding over the summer of 1997, the last one I had with Harry and Ron before we set out to find the horcruxes. Looking back at it now brings back memories, most of them painful.

I looked over to the exquisite man sat on the bed next to me, and looked him deep into his eyes knowing that they would calm me right now, the only thing that really could these days.

_Nothing I thought._ He hates when I lie but how to explain that events that happened ten years ago are still haunting me?

"Don't say that. Your crying again, damn it Hermione why wont you talk to me about what's hurting you?"

"Stop using Legilimency on me, Draco it's so frustrating not been able to _feel anything _without you knowing about it"

"So you admit there's something wrong then?"

_Damn, caught out_

Taking hold of my left hand he said,

"Listen, you can't keep feeling guilty about what happened OK? None of it was your fault do you really think Harry would be blaming you?"

Tears clouded my vision. Just hearing his name reminded me of the last second I saw him when Voldemort was stood over him looking down…

He moved closer to me and turned over my hand lightly touching the solitaire ring on my finger.

"You're my wife now Hermione, I just want to make you happy."

"Everyone thinks we're dead" I said quietly.

"That's how it has to be for now. You know he wants us both dead and we can't risk him hurting our families and friends. At least this way if he tries Legilimency on them they don't know where we are.

"I love you, and I did this all _for_ you, you understand that don't you?"

I nodded sadly.

He wiped my tears away and laid back down before saying,

"Try and get some sleep, I promise this will all be over soon"

I didn't sleep that night. My mind was filled with the ghost of my past, all my dead friends and all who were still hurting while I lay here, a coward hiding while others fight and die. Even though I never meant to, I know that ultimately, I chose Draco, the love of my life, over my friends most importantly Harry and Ron.

Poor Ron led to believe he had lost both his best friends that night.

If only I could speak to him just one more time…

I sniffed again and looked down at Draco. Only one thought came to my mind and not for the first time in the past ten years.

_Was it really worth all this?_

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